Beginnings are often bad. Beginnings kill motivation, wreck projects, cause hard feelings, set the tone for disappointments later. I hate beginnings. There is too much uncertainty, too many possibilties leading to places I might not want to find; those real places buried in my head, and all the real places in the wide world that are cruel. I like simple, like it very much, but then, growth is natural and we all must sometimes go beyond our walls at some point, confront the cruel, meet the dark parts inside.
We must begin.
In a messy room, the question becomes, "Which sock do I pick up first? Or should I dump the clothes on the floor, make the bed, dust the curtains, take the beer bottles to the recycling bin?" The possible permutations on how to attack a mess can result, usually does result, in a job half done or not done at all. An aborted beginning.
Not all messy rooms are physical. My own cluttered room is in between ears, the room I attempt to organize but never manage to quite get started. The mess is considerable, my faults and insecurities vast and on the edge of debilitating. I'm a living mess, thirty-four years in the making.
Time for a BFB: aBig Effing Broom. The best way to clean is to get rid of the debris, the half formed ideas, the plans and projects,the almost but not quites, that I've hoarded and covered with moldering brain blankets since my innocent stage when immortalilty was an American right.
So I will blog as I sort through the mess in my brain, as I order, rearrange, as I let go and burden others with all the stuff I no longer need. Here begins my quest.
This plan is simple but monumental, colossal and very possibly, impossible. I will begin today, October 25th of 2010 to write fifty books using those bits inside that I have store so carelessly. I will write a book in fifty seaprate catecories; non fiction, fiction, poetry, drama. Perhaps this beginng will be good, be fruitful, or perhaps it will be aborted soon after I type the final period of this post. The fear is there, fear of the dark unknown but fear is better than cowardice.