Tuesday, November 15, 2011

The Squirrel/Mice War That I Hope Will Be


Bastards even stealing the liquor!

I am currently perseverating . I apologise.

I want to get on a plane, take off, arrive, get down and get having fun. The preparation holds no excitement for me. I have no interest in trying to figure out all the whatsits and wheresits and all that... stuff. I want to fly away without worry.

Is that a bad thing for me to wish? Unrealistic, for sure, but forgive me for wanting simplicity, won’t you? In the meanwhile, I must trudge through nine more days as long and tedious and difficult they may be and do so with best humor I can.

Nine days. Then on to New Zealand. Currently, my little house is a battleground. There have been recently a- can I call them a platoon?- a squad, at least, of squirrels that have found a way into the crawl space where they have been lustily doing battle. And in the garage there are mice. Not sure of their martial status, but they certainly defecate with serious devotion, small land mines found here and there.

My wife wondered if maybe the best solution would be for the squirrels and the mice to do battle with each other. Mutual annihilation would serve us well, but I’m not certain how motivated the two other parties are in engaging in such a battle.

The great and terrible Squirrel- Mice war waged in the tight spaces in a small ranch house in Maine. Perhaps my wife and I will return to a scarred ruined wreck of a home. Nothing left but for carcasses and dreams cut tragically short. Ah, just the thought brings tears.

Tears of joy, folks. I’m a heartless bastard, yes, but those damn vermin! I’m shaking my fist in their general direction, which seems to be everyone, so my arm is now tired. Another black mark against both squirrels and mice, alike. A big black mark.

So there I am. I’ve got traps set, I’m sending bad karma waves in their direction and I have my headphones on so I won’t happen to hear any scuttling, rustling or any other vermin related noises. It’s hard, folks, to write, when you have so much hate  in your heart.

I wish all those beasties harm. And I mean it. If any of them have an internet connection, I have they read this and I hope they feel bad. I mean bad right down to their whiskers and the tips of their tails. Damn them seven times right to hell.

I need some ice cream. To soothe what needs soothing.

20 comments:

Julia Munroe Martin said...

This is too funny (sorry).... I'm in Maine too and thank goodness the squirrels stay outside -- where (sorry again) they are so cute which I've been blogging about! However, I'm with you on the mice. So far none in the house but last year we trapped almost 40. And I agree: "Damn them seven times right to hell!" Unlike you, I have no hopes of New Zealand to escape to -- sounds amazing! Bon Voyage!

Rina Heisel said...

I think you're on to something... if I could drudge up some tension between the fire ants and sugar ants on the back porch it could save me some $$. The cat does a good job keeping all things furry at bay.

Michael Pokocky said...

Letting you know Twitter suspended me and I am appealing it. We were following each other and I did not want to leave the wrong impression. Kindest, Michael @antresolcafe

MT Nickerson said...

Julia- I agree squirrels are cute, but they have wicked hearts that lead them to trouble. Wicked, wicked, hearts...

MT Nickerson said...

Rina- All for the pests and vermin taking care of themselves in whatever way they see fit. As long as they use extreme prejudice. All for it...

MT Nickerson said...

Thank you, Michael. Hope that it works out on twitter for you and I totally understand. Look forward to following in the future.

Chipper Muse said...

Oh, I enjoyed this read! So funny! Thanks for the laugh. :)

Julia Rachel Barrett said...

Okay, just don't seal them into your crawl space so that you have dead bodies everywhere. Yuck! You need a guy...some guy...who knows what guy...to get them out and then seal up the crawl space and then you need three cats to go after the mice. My cat is a great mouser and I'd loan him to you, but we live in California.
Whatever you do, don't sweep up the mouse poop! Pour bleach on it and then sweep it. Or wear a mask while you sweep. Hanta virus...or maybe that's just in the Western states.
Now I'll have to wait for you to upload video of the mouse/squirrel death match...

MT Nickerson said...

Hanta Virus! Jesus, what are the symptoms?

Does it cause smoldering good looks and a devil-may-care attitude? Because, you know, lately...

...(I hope, I hope, I hope- fingers crossed)

Steph from fangswandsandfairydust.com said...

Also in Maine. Also building a shed. Had squirrels in our house. They chew the wires and chew wood as well. We had a guy come and seal edges of the house with mesh. No more of the buggers. Bird food lives in the garage freezer and we are really careful about it. Then my postal carrier said he had parked down the road on his break and some guy drove up in a truck and he saw stuff flying out of the truck. Some guy was releasing like 20 squirrels. They better stay the hell away from my house!

Thank you for stopping at my blog. Maybe I will write about some of our many experiences with mice and squirrels, and other rodentia, mostly at our old house.

steph from fangswandsandfairydust.com said...

What is really funny is that I know two of your other commenters.

MT Nickerson said...

It's a small world sometimes, isn't it?

And as far releasing squirrels... my wife's uncle caught a squirrel and released it in our yard. I've been meaning to repay him in kind at some point... :)

(Maine humor, I guess; releasing wild game on relative's property- or random strangers, too!)

John Wiswell said...

Squirrels hate sticky traps. Just saying, if you hate them...

Eric said...

Ok, first things first, you need to find something so irresistable to vermin that they go "nuts" for it. Rodent crack if you will. Secondly, show them that they need it but, only one faction can obtain it. Throw in some sort of critter opposing religion controversy and you have all the makings for a great war. The tricky part is getting them to wage said war outside. Good luck!

MT Nickerson said...

John, I do hate them sticky pad bad. Good suggestion.

MT Nickerson said...

Eric- Brilliance! Hilarious, thank you... :)

Julia Rachel Barrett said...

Yes, the symptoms of Hanta Virus are extreme sex appeal. Gotta beat them women off with a stick!

Hey Steph! All you Mainers!

MT Nickerson said...

If that were only true, Julia... sadly, I either did not contract the hanta virus, or it is slow in developing... :(

johnphythyon said...

You need poison, my friend. I battled mice a few years back, and I tried to be nice and catch them and release them into the wild (more than a mile away from home). They refused to stay away.

So I killed them.

After awhile, they stopped coming around.

Great post! Photo made me laugh.

MT Nickerson said...

Poison- or nuclear annihilation. I'm thinking in extremes John.