Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Under The Rock With: Robert Kennedy

(The following is from a magazine I produced strictly for my co-workers a couple years ago. Robert Kennedy was a former supervisor, and I will say this; the Backstreet Boys bit was something he actually did say to his daughters. True story.)

This month’s issue of KPC features an interview with longtime KP employee Robert Kennedy, a man who we will learn has worn many hats in his lengthy life. On behalf of the KPC staff, I would like to extend our gratitude to Mr. Kennedy for taking time out from his busy schedule to answer a few questions.

Editor: Mr. Kennedy, or Robert if I may…

Robert Mr. Kennedy: No, you may not.

Ed: Well, okay. Certainly. Mr. Kennedy-

Mr. Kennedy Crusher: Call me Crusher.

Backstreet Boys Sans Robert “Crusher” Kennedy

Crusher? Uh, sure, I can do that. Now… Crusher… I am interested in hearing your thoughts on the current development and direction of childcare, especially in the state of Maine.

Crusher: Of course. I have great insights in that particular area. I have a degree, you know. Almost. I’m a smart man. Smarter than you. Obviously. Make certain you emphasize that ‘obviously’ remark in your printed version. Note the sarcasm aimed at your person. I did that to demoralize you and artificially compensate for my own deficiencies- not that I admit to having deficiencies. If you suggest otherwise, I’ll sue.

Ed: Right. Uh, Crusher, perhaps we could get back to the original question-

Crusher: Oh, certainly, I suppose. What was your stupid question, again? I forgot.

Ed: The state of childcare-

Crusher: Yes, yes. Like I said, a stupid question. All children need is someone brilliant like me to handle them. Not that I want to handle them. Don’t read anything into that. I’ll sue.

Ed: Well, Crusher, maybe we can move to another topic. What about the rumor of you being a former member of the Backstreet Boys?

Crusher: Rumor? Are you trying to say that it isn’t true? Maybe you’re trying to discriminate against me because of my weight. Is that what you’re doing? Because if you are I’ll-

Ed: Sue?

Crusher: No, I prefer Crusher. And stop interrupting. In fact, stop interviewing. You’re not very good at it. Boring questions, wild accusations. You could be sued if you continue with your current method of interviewing. Now, as to the central question; the reason the rest of you, and by you, I mean anyone who isn’t me, why all you are not as good as me. The answer is because you don’t have the same mental capacity as I do and you can’t dance. That’s why I was kicked out of the Backstreet Boys. The rest of the guys were jealous. I had talent and they couldn’t handle that. Now they pretend like I never existed. Punks.

Ed: Thank you, Crusher-

Crusher: Oh. You’re still here? Didn’t I make it clear you were no longer needed?

Ed: Yes, well, that concludes-

Crusher: Feeble–brained, drooling imbecile. Enough. No one wants to hear from you. Now, onto my career as a paratrooper in WWII or maybe the time I landed on the moon… No, no, the time I infiltrated the KGB…

*Upon the advice of the KP Chronicle legal staff, it should be noted that the preceding interview was not conducted in the actual presence of said Robert Kennedy, nor were the answers as written given by Robert Kennedy. It should further be noted that the KP Chronicle has the utmost respect for Mr. Kennedy and hopefully we can avoid legal action. If there is a lawsuit due to the above interview, the Publisher of the KP Chronicle reserves the right to retract the retraction and re-assert the veracity of the interview as published as a means of proving the instability of Mr. Kennedy’s mental health.

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